randon rightings raveings.

Random rightings ravings.
Yeah I know it’s misspelled. -_-

Ok kids, heres the part of the show where Erica talks, or types, to her self and looks like a crazy person! Ready?

Yay!!! Crazy person!!!!

I just needed to vent frustration about both of the stories. so much…. Failure!!
So I was re-reading the mideval and it is way way way to fast passed. You don’t get the whole excuisit detail, Lord of the Rings epic coolness feeling that the original had.
Where is that darn note book?!
And I think that the space one has the same problems. I type at a pace that is way to faset, I feel like every thing is going at break neck speed. What I estimated would take me like at lease 20 computer pages in the mideval has taken me 10. I’m not capturing the characters or the scenary the way they are in my head not to mention that the whole “squad of city killers” idea isn’t conveyed at all! Rawr! But I don’t know how to write any way else. I think I need to rewrite the whole thing which I am really dreading. It would be like rereading a book but longer and my hate for redoing things would just make me hurry along in the rewrite and it would move even faster! Gah! Is there no hope?! I guess I’ll just set it down for a while butthat will make me go back to the space one. Oh pickles am I sutck there.
Not only am I moving too fast there, but I need to make time pass, slowly. So I wright to fast and I need things to go slower than at a non fast pace! Does that even make sence? Why am I asking my sefl!? I understand what I’m trying to say. Ok ok back to the subject. So to make time pass I’m bringing in chars left and right that don’t quite fit into the story but hava a lot of words to say so pages go by. I’m like at the edge of a cliff and I have the other side written already, nice and emotional slcing up of ol’ spriggies brain, but I have to build the months of time on board in between, make my bridge to the other side one painfully slow word at a time. Grrr.
So I haven’t been working on that one for a long time, I’ll open it up to work on it, stare at the screen for 10 mintues and close it again. Just not getting any better. So I’m setting down the mideval for a while even though I have momentum, and I’m not working on this one very well, so what do I do!? Grr.

So I htikn I’m gonna start doing some writing exersies. Sit ther with a pen and note book like in the old days, and sketch with words. Look a an apple and describe to the last speck of dust. Then describe time. Sit in English and write about every boring detail. To learn how to write time. Hehe that sounds funny. The only problem is that I don’t want my book to get dull. Making time pass would be a good thing to do, but I would constantly be walking an extremely thin line of passing and dragging. Ill need to get just the right tempo. Great. However, I can fill up the passing time with sprigs and swepths relation ship building.
I was listening to NPR the other day, I know liberal right? But I believe in hearing the arguments of the statists too, even if they are all commies. So I’m litening and they do one of their section thingies on romace novels. And I’m like huh; thinking always that romace novels were like steaming and lusty and not what I would ever write. Then they start talking about how that some things are romacenovels even thought they don’t seem like it. Just as long as they follow the model, they count. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy or girl lose one another some how, but in the end get back together. Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s the basic relationship part of both the mideval and the space things I’m working on. What the hekc? So yeah, I’m officially a romace novelist. Wow.

ugh.

so i have tis friend, i'll call him larry. thats not his real name. he's a good friend, sorta. i mean he kinda gets me and he's like theonly person i talk to at school but he... i'm kinda board. is that wrong? i dont like him and he like me though he claims not to yet he still wants to go out with me. he's nice but... icky. wow back in kindtergarden. i mean.. he's a touchy feely(not liek that) churchy type that trys to save every one from their selves. which is getting old. i kinda dont want to be his friend any more, but i do really care about him as a friend and a person so i'm scared that if i try to distance my self from him he will get hurt which i really dont want since he is really a nice guy... just a little annoying. and i fell bad for trting to get away from him but every one thinks we're dating, which we aren't but sine every one thinks that because he hangs around me all the time when every i try talking to other guys they give me looks like well, like i was cheating on my boyfriend, which i'm not! because i dont have one! grah!
i find my self missing last year. being in love with "him" back when love was jsut whatching him across the cafeteria and getting a hug every day. it's not that i miss him, but i miss the intensity of the feeling tward him and the singularity of my mind.
all i would think about was him, he was my every thing but now there's no one i can obsess about. my mind is just empty, i have no immidiate goals. i need a focus. and now i jsut have larry, and i dont want him.
oh and his parents! larry is depress and on meds for it. i dont think he is at all i think his parents are micro managing psycodic people. he and i talk alot over text messageing, and we were tlaking last night and i start to notice that larry isn't acting like him self in our conversation. yep, he partens had taken the phone and were using it to find out about me becasue they think i sell drugs. because yeah, i really seem stupid enough to do drugs. they're really observant too.
doint that is just appauling to me. they have no reason to think ill of me and not trust me. it was cowardly and weasly. i am a good person and for them to automaticly assume that they only way they could get an honest answer from me was to pretend to be him was very insulting. theyr'e hypocrits too, lying inorder to get an honest answer! they had better hope that they dont meet me in a dark ally. and after all i have done for their son. i'm like his only friend and since we started hanging out he's been getting better grades, swearing less and becomming a better person. i am throughlydiscusted with these people. this whole thing jsut make me so mad and uncomforable.
i am so happy that i'm leaving next year, if only to leave the people.
but then where ever i go, i'll be starting behind every one because the stupid shcool i'm now doesn't believe in encouaging people to strive to be better than they are or try to succseed at any thing, so all the coarses we take are like a year behind all the other school and they all the classes i took last year. i'm looking into two different school right now. if i go to school A i'm goint to try to work it out with my couseler so that i can take the math class i was supposed to take this year in the morning and the science class i was supposed to take this year after school. if i can swingthat i'll have 8 classes every day, with 2 of them being math and 2 of them being science. plus i want to take atleast 2 AP coarses! it will kill me but at least i wont have to go to summer school. at the other school i can take a morning class but other than that i wont beable to catch up to the other honors students for acouple of years.
and all this because the school i'm at now dosesn't want to hurt the stupid kid feeling by offer coarses they wont be able to handle. i am so sick and tred of every thing being brought down to the stupid people level because the governement and people in charge are afraid of lowing their self esteem! what aboutthe rest of us who CAN count to 10!? we're forced to take classes we dont need or have already taken! who cares about us!? oh well, bakc to sitting anygrily infront of this screen.

my wrld is al txty tervy

"ur hot"
thank you.
"ur not freaked?"
uh... a little, but to be hnest, i'm more flattered than any thing. no ones ever said any hting like that to me.
"they couldn't admit it it was hard 4 me 2 say"
why?
"girls are jealous and guys dont want you mad at them"
am i that intimidateing?
" you get creeped out when guys hit on u and used to be violent but you are better now"
yeah, i know, i'm working on that.
" ur okay at th bubble thing it used to be annoying but now its kinda hot that you let me in"
yeah? like i said, i've been working on that.
"but dont make it any smaller cuz for some one with your body you will want boundaries with guys (trust me)"
the bubble wont just who's let inside
"ah that works too."

and there you have it. my txty tervy world. i dont really like him, and i know he doesn't like me. well i mean, like invested in like in me. i give him advice on how to get girls and he gives me advice on how to get guys to SEE me. lol.

back to the old soap opera again.

chapter two of my chiched life:
girls has no life so she goes onto internet and meets the most amazing guy in the world nad falls as in love with him as she has ever been with any one. tells mother. stops going on the computer because mother doesn't approve. good. goes to school. is over internet guy. good. sees other guys. decided to like them. still over internet guy. actually has a chance with someone tangible for once in her life and unintentionally sabotshes it for herself.

falling for ski was just a way for my to deal with my sister leaving hte house and me growing farther from my friends. it wa a selfish, thoughtless thing. it was wrong. i know this. i will never talk to him again by MY OWN CHOICE. my family and my mothers opinion of my as well as my sefty are way more important than some hting with a guy i dont even know. i know all these things yet when ever our old song comes up on my ipod i change it quickly because it hurts to hear it. i wont let meself fall compeetly for soem one eles because a small part of me wants ski still and it is SO hard for me to accept this becasue it shatteres my selfdelusions. then a gain, is this even about him?
i have always lived with this pain of being around him. and now he and the pain are gone.... and theres this hole where that constant hurt should be. who am i with out it? i suppose this is my own brand of cutting my self. some people prefer to cause physical plain but me, no i'm much cleaner about it. i just revel in my own mental anguish, over thinking everything untill the way i scratch my foot means i'm emo. ok wow, that hardly made sence to me. i only half heartedly wanted to not love him and i put up with the pain of it, and it because apart of me. but with all my heart i want to not want ski, i know that nothing good can come from him, but ican't turn it off.
or is all this rambling some rationalization for soem bigger problem i cant even put a name to? that wouldn't suprize me.
wow, i'm messed up.
ok, no more posts after 10 pm. things seem depressing here.
on a lighter note, obama won the election (i hear that us blogers *snear* are supposed to wrtie about politicks and such to here you go, 2 1/2 stalkers) great.
obamas a thug and a crook and in 4 years you just wait, i'll be posting saying ha! thats what you get america for voteing into ofice a product of the chicago political machine. ha i'm going to bed now.
i dont love him, i dont love ski.
i like jewish guy. just keep repeating that to my self.
i going to be a nun.

eh... dont get so worked up.

now then, here is that much anticiparted post. weee.
uh.... the stock markets looking interesting, yes? heh, sure hope it doesn't crash.
it seems like every time i tell my peraents about somehtiong, even if they already know it or its really notthat big of a deal, they get increadibly worked up over it. like having a deviant art account, or a blog. yeah believe it or not mom, i do have some resemblance of a life, even i it is only n line. sad ness.

hi!

ok, sorry, i've been like posting my writngs and such up and nothing about my menial life! because of this, i have decided to make a second blog, explicitly for my writing and wordly doodles. lol.
ok, what you have missed: i have suddenly developed the amasing ability to ype really fast, and i have no idea how. it kinda freaks me out! uh.... i love my new school, but every thing is way to easy, the teachers have my working alone and going at my own pace, in the time it took for my math teacher to cover 2 sections with the class, i finished a chapter! lol, ok, so thats about it. see yall around!

glimps into the workings of my mind.

"that happens, you know" her words were soft, reassuring, though the pain leaked through. they had been as close as we were. "its war. people die."
i could not feel her hand on my arm, only the knowledge that something kept me from drawing the dagger.
people die. i knew that. battle- a ton of people killing alot of other people. i KNEW that. i am a soulder. a machine. people die. fragile, breackable people breack and DIE. i knew that from day one, i knew not to make attachents, that any thing i held dear to me would only be stipped away in time. i knew that, yet i still loved her.
the shape before me was still cowering against the rock, hands gripping eachother... such fear. should i feel pity? remorse?
wrenched my hand toward the figure, tearing effortlessly though her resistance. i heared he fall backward against somthing. but it didnt matter.
only one thing mattered. the dagger would be to quick...
i bent over, grabbing the collar of the figure, smug that its feet hung off the ground. ripped the helmit off, a intentionally rough movement.
mabe it would breack its neck, and i could bespared the duty of killing it. spared? no, robbed.
it's face was feminine, once human, but that didnt matter. if it had ever been human, then my killing if now would be a good thing.
its eyes were wide, afraid, and in them i saw the one carry hit again and again, crumple small because of the sudden decompression then expand atoughsand times its normality, before being momentatily engulfed in flames. it was not in her, no its, eyes, but reflected from my own. i saw it, remebered it, the only thing in this creatures eyes was fear. it only cared about its self. and its mission. to kill every one i loved and cared about.
the helmit clattered to the floor.
i could hear the dry sobs of the girl behind me.
... i knew her name, but now, so blinded by rage and pain, it escaped me.
"WHAT WILL THIS ACCOMPLISH?!" she called
the thing, i refuse to call it a girl, in my hand thrashed about, gasping for air. the sobs behind me turned panicked.
stared into its eyes, wating for then to cloud over. any moment now. any moment.
she got up, standing now beside where beast hung from my hand, looking franticly at me. " you kill her, then what?!"
my hand tightened, the face of the crecure turned a pleaseing purple.
why was she defending it? this thing had stolen the only thing that i cared about, and now it needed to die.
my hand tightened again.
"like you said," i grinned now, the eyes were beginning to lose hope, the moments growing slugished and labored, just a silent plea that i alone could see now. just that silent plea...