Random rightings ravings.
Yeah I know it’s misspelled. -_-
Ok kids, heres the part of the show where Erica talks, or types, to her self and looks like a crazy person! Ready?
Yay!!! Crazy person!!!!
I just needed to vent frustration about both of the stories. so much…. Failure!!
So I was re-reading the mideval and it is way way way to fast passed. You don’t get the whole excuisit detail, Lord of the Rings epic coolness feeling that the original had.
Where is that darn note book?!
And I think that the space one has the same problems. I type at a pace that is way to faset, I feel like every thing is going at break neck speed. What I estimated would take me like at lease 20 computer pages in the mideval has taken me 10. I’m not capturing the characters or the scenary the way they are in my head not to mention that the whole “squad of city killers” idea isn’t conveyed at all! Rawr! But I don’t know how to write any way else. I think I need to rewrite the whole thing which I am really dreading. It would be like rereading a book but longer and my hate for redoing things would just make me hurry along in the rewrite and it would move even faster! Gah! Is there no hope?! I guess I’ll just set it down for a while butthat will make me go back to the space one. Oh pickles am I sutck there.
Not only am I moving too fast there, but I need to make time pass, slowly. So I wright to fast and I need things to go slower than at a non fast pace! Does that even make sence? Why am I asking my sefl!? I understand what I’m trying to say. Ok ok back to the subject. So to make time pass I’m bringing in chars left and right that don’t quite fit into the story but hava a lot of words to say so pages go by. I’m like at the edge of a cliff and I have the other side written already, nice and emotional slcing up of ol’ spriggies brain, but I have to build the months of time on board in between, make my bridge to the other side one painfully slow word at a time. Grrr.
So I haven’t been working on that one for a long time, I’ll open it up to work on it, stare at the screen for 10 mintues and close it again. Just not getting any better. So I’m setting down the mideval for a while even though I have momentum, and I’m not working on this one very well, so what do I do!? Grr.
So I htikn I’m gonna start doing some writing exersies. Sit ther with a pen and note book like in the old days, and sketch with words. Look a an apple and describe to the last speck of dust. Then describe time. Sit in English and write about every boring detail. To learn how to write time. Hehe that sounds funny. The only problem is that I don’t want my book to get dull. Making time pass would be a good thing to do, but I would constantly be walking an extremely thin line of passing and dragging. Ill need to get just the right tempo. Great. However, I can fill up the passing time with sprigs and swepths relation ship building.
I was listening to NPR the other day, I know liberal right? But I believe in hearing the arguments of the statists too, even if they are all commies. So I’m litening and they do one of their section thingies on romace novels. And I’m like huh; thinking always that romace novels were like steaming and lusty and not what I would ever write. Then they start talking about how that some things are romacenovels even thought they don’t seem like it. Just as long as they follow the model, they count. Boy meets girl, they fall in love, boy or girl lose one another some how, but in the end get back together. Sound familiar? Yeah, that’s the basic relationship part of both the mideval and the space things I’m working on. What the hekc? So yeah, I’m officially a romace novelist. Wow.
4.14.2009
3.15.2009
ugh.
so i have tis friend, i'll call him larry. thats not his real name. he's a good friend, sorta. i mean he kinda gets me and he's like theonly person i talk to at school but he... i'm kinda board. is that wrong? i dont like him and he like me though he claims not to yet he still wants to go out with me. he's nice but... icky. wow back in kindtergarden. i mean.. he's a touchy feely(not liek that) churchy type that trys to save every one from their selves. which is getting old. i kinda dont want to be his friend any more, but i do really care about him as a friend and a person so i'm scared that if i try to distance my self from him he will get hurt which i really dont want since he is really a nice guy... just a little annoying. and i fell bad for trting to get away from him but every one thinks we're dating, which we aren't but sine every one thinks that because he hangs around me all the time when every i try talking to other guys they give me looks like well, like i was cheating on my boyfriend, which i'm not! because i dont have one! grah!
i find my self missing last year. being in love with "him" back when love was jsut whatching him across the cafeteria and getting a hug every day. it's not that i miss him, but i miss the intensity of the feeling tward him and the singularity of my mind.
all i would think about was him, he was my every thing but now there's no one i can obsess about. my mind is just empty, i have no immidiate goals. i need a focus. and now i jsut have larry, and i dont want him.
oh and his parents! larry is depress and on meds for it. i dont think he is at all i think his parents are micro managing psycodic people. he and i talk alot over text messageing, and we were tlaking last night and i start to notice that larry isn't acting like him self in our conversation. yep, he partens had taken the phone and were using it to find out about me becasue they think i sell drugs. because yeah, i really seem stupid enough to do drugs. they're really observant too.
doint that is just appauling to me. they have no reason to think ill of me and not trust me. it was cowardly and weasly. i am a good person and for them to automaticly assume that they only way they could get an honest answer from me was to pretend to be him was very insulting. theyr'e hypocrits too, lying inorder to get an honest answer! they had better hope that they dont meet me in a dark ally. and after all i have done for their son. i'm like his only friend and since we started hanging out he's been getting better grades, swearing less and becomming a better person. i am throughlydiscusted with these people. this whole thing jsut make me so mad and uncomforable.
i am so happy that i'm leaving next year, if only to leave the people.
but then where ever i go, i'll be starting behind every one because the stupid shcool i'm now doesn't believe in encouaging people to strive to be better than they are or try to succseed at any thing, so all the coarses we take are like a year behind all the other school and they all the classes i took last year. i'm looking into two different school right now. if i go to school A i'm goint to try to work it out with my couseler so that i can take the math class i was supposed to take this year in the morning and the science class i was supposed to take this year after school. if i can swingthat i'll have 8 classes every day, with 2 of them being math and 2 of them being science. plus i want to take atleast 2 AP coarses! it will kill me but at least i wont have to go to summer school. at the other school i can take a morning class but other than that i wont beable to catch up to the other honors students for acouple of years.
and all this because the school i'm at now dosesn't want to hurt the stupid kid feeling by offer coarses they wont be able to handle. i am so sick and tred of every thing being brought down to the stupid people level because the governement and people in charge are afraid of lowing their self esteem! what aboutthe rest of us who CAN count to 10!? we're forced to take classes we dont need or have already taken! who cares about us!? oh well, bakc to sitting anygrily infront of this screen.
i find my self missing last year. being in love with "him" back when love was jsut whatching him across the cafeteria and getting a hug every day. it's not that i miss him, but i miss the intensity of the feeling tward him and the singularity of my mind.
all i would think about was him, he was my every thing but now there's no one i can obsess about. my mind is just empty, i have no immidiate goals. i need a focus. and now i jsut have larry, and i dont want him.
oh and his parents! larry is depress and on meds for it. i dont think he is at all i think his parents are micro managing psycodic people. he and i talk alot over text messageing, and we were tlaking last night and i start to notice that larry isn't acting like him self in our conversation. yep, he partens had taken the phone and were using it to find out about me becasue they think i sell drugs. because yeah, i really seem stupid enough to do drugs. they're really observant too.
doint that is just appauling to me. they have no reason to think ill of me and not trust me. it was cowardly and weasly. i am a good person and for them to automaticly assume that they only way they could get an honest answer from me was to pretend to be him was very insulting. theyr'e hypocrits too, lying inorder to get an honest answer! they had better hope that they dont meet me in a dark ally. and after all i have done for their son. i'm like his only friend and since we started hanging out he's been getting better grades, swearing less and becomming a better person. i am throughlydiscusted with these people. this whole thing jsut make me so mad and uncomforable.
i am so happy that i'm leaving next year, if only to leave the people.
but then where ever i go, i'll be starting behind every one because the stupid shcool i'm now doesn't believe in encouaging people to strive to be better than they are or try to succseed at any thing, so all the coarses we take are like a year behind all the other school and they all the classes i took last year. i'm looking into two different school right now. if i go to school A i'm goint to try to work it out with my couseler so that i can take the math class i was supposed to take this year in the morning and the science class i was supposed to take this year after school. if i can swingthat i'll have 8 classes every day, with 2 of them being math and 2 of them being science. plus i want to take atleast 2 AP coarses! it will kill me but at least i wont have to go to summer school. at the other school i can take a morning class but other than that i wont beable to catch up to the other honors students for acouple of years.
and all this because the school i'm at now dosesn't want to hurt the stupid kid feeling by offer coarses they wont be able to handle. i am so sick and tred of every thing being brought down to the stupid people level because the governement and people in charge are afraid of lowing their self esteem! what aboutthe rest of us who CAN count to 10!? we're forced to take classes we dont need or have already taken! who cares about us!? oh well, bakc to sitting anygrily infront of this screen.
2.21.2009
my wrld is al txty tervy
"ur hot"
thank you.
"ur not freaked?"
uh... a little, but to be hnest, i'm more flattered than any thing. no ones ever said any hting like that to me.
"they couldn't admit it it was hard 4 me 2 say"
why?
"girls are jealous and guys dont want you mad at them"
am i that intimidateing?
" you get creeped out when guys hit on u and used to be violent but you are better now"
yeah, i know, i'm working on that.
" ur okay at th bubble thing it used to be annoying but now its kinda hot that you let me in"
yeah? like i said, i've been working on that.
"but dont make it any smaller cuz for some one with your body you will want boundaries with guys (trust me)"
the bubble wont just who's let inside
"ah that works too."
and there you have it. my txty tervy world. i dont really like him, and i know he doesn't like me. well i mean, like invested in like in me. i give him advice on how to get girls and he gives me advice on how to get guys to SEE me. lol.
thank you.
"ur not freaked?"
uh... a little, but to be hnest, i'm more flattered than any thing. no ones ever said any hting like that to me.
"they couldn't admit it it was hard 4 me 2 say"
why?
"girls are jealous and guys dont want you mad at them"
am i that intimidateing?
" you get creeped out when guys hit on u and used to be violent but you are better now"
yeah, i know, i'm working on that.
" ur okay at th bubble thing it used to be annoying but now its kinda hot that you let me in"
yeah? like i said, i've been working on that.
"but dont make it any smaller cuz for some one with your body you will want boundaries with guys (trust me)"
the bubble wont just who's let inside
"ah that works too."
and there you have it. my txty tervy world. i dont really like him, and i know he doesn't like me. well i mean, like invested in like in me. i give him advice on how to get girls and he gives me advice on how to get guys to SEE me. lol.
11.05.2008
back to the old soap opera again.
chapter two of my chiched life:
girls has no life so she goes onto internet and meets the most amazing guy in the world nad falls as in love with him as she has ever been with any one. tells mother. stops going on the computer because mother doesn't approve. good. goes to school. is over internet guy. good. sees other guys. decided to like them. still over internet guy. actually has a chance with someone tangible for once in her life and unintentionally sabotshes it for herself.
falling for ski was just a way for my to deal with my sister leaving hte house and me growing farther from my friends. it wa a selfish, thoughtless thing. it was wrong. i know this. i will never talk to him again by MY OWN CHOICE. my family and my mothers opinion of my as well as my sefty are way more important than some hting with a guy i dont even know. i know all these things yet when ever our old song comes up on my ipod i change it quickly because it hurts to hear it. i wont let meself fall compeetly for soem one eles because a small part of me wants ski still and it is SO hard for me to accept this becasue it shatteres my selfdelusions. then a gain, is this even about him?
i have always lived with this pain of being around him. and now he and the pain are gone.... and theres this hole where that constant hurt should be. who am i with out it? i suppose this is my own brand of cutting my self. some people prefer to cause physical plain but me, no i'm much cleaner about it. i just revel in my own mental anguish, over thinking everything untill the way i scratch my foot means i'm emo. ok wow, that hardly made sence to me. i only half heartedly wanted to not love him and i put up with the pain of it, and it because apart of me. but with all my heart i want to not want ski, i know that nothing good can come from him, but ican't turn it off.
or is all this rambling some rationalization for soem bigger problem i cant even put a name to? that wouldn't suprize me.
wow, i'm messed up.
ok, no more posts after 10 pm. things seem depressing here.
on a lighter note, obama won the election (i hear that us blogers *snear* are supposed to wrtie about politicks and such to here you go, 2 1/2 stalkers) great.
obamas a thug and a crook and in 4 years you just wait, i'll be posting saying ha! thats what you get america for voteing into ofice a product of the chicago political machine. ha i'm going to bed now.
i dont love him, i dont love ski.
i like jewish guy. just keep repeating that to my self.
i going to be a nun.
girls has no life so she goes onto internet and meets the most amazing guy in the world nad falls as in love with him as she has ever been with any one. tells mother. stops going on the computer because mother doesn't approve. good. goes to school. is over internet guy. good. sees other guys. decided to like them. still over internet guy. actually has a chance with someone tangible for once in her life and unintentionally sabotshes it for herself.
falling for ski was just a way for my to deal with my sister leaving hte house and me growing farther from my friends. it wa a selfish, thoughtless thing. it was wrong. i know this. i will never talk to him again by MY OWN CHOICE. my family and my mothers opinion of my as well as my sefty are way more important than some hting with a guy i dont even know. i know all these things yet when ever our old song comes up on my ipod i change it quickly because it hurts to hear it. i wont let meself fall compeetly for soem one eles because a small part of me wants ski still and it is SO hard for me to accept this becasue it shatteres my selfdelusions. then a gain, is this even about him?
i have always lived with this pain of being around him. and now he and the pain are gone.... and theres this hole where that constant hurt should be. who am i with out it? i suppose this is my own brand of cutting my self. some people prefer to cause physical plain but me, no i'm much cleaner about it. i just revel in my own mental anguish, over thinking everything untill the way i scratch my foot means i'm emo. ok wow, that hardly made sence to me. i only half heartedly wanted to not love him and i put up with the pain of it, and it because apart of me. but with all my heart i want to not want ski, i know that nothing good can come from him, but ican't turn it off.
or is all this rambling some rationalization for soem bigger problem i cant even put a name to? that wouldn't suprize me.
wow, i'm messed up.
ok, no more posts after 10 pm. things seem depressing here.
on a lighter note, obama won the election (i hear that us blogers *snear* are supposed to wrtie about politicks and such to here you go, 2 1/2 stalkers) great.
obamas a thug and a crook and in 4 years you just wait, i'll be posting saying ha! thats what you get america for voteing into ofice a product of the chicago political machine. ha i'm going to bed now.
i dont love him, i dont love ski.
i like jewish guy. just keep repeating that to my self.
i going to be a nun.
10.31.2008
eh... dont get so worked up.
now then, here is that much anticiparted post. weee.
uh.... the stock markets looking interesting, yes? heh, sure hope it doesn't crash.
it seems like every time i tell my peraents about somehtiong, even if they already know it or its really notthat big of a deal, they get increadibly worked up over it. like having a deviant art account, or a blog. yeah believe it or not mom, i do have some resemblance of a life, even i it is only n line. sad ness.
uh.... the stock markets looking interesting, yes? heh, sure hope it doesn't crash.
it seems like every time i tell my peraents about somehtiong, even if they already know it or its really notthat big of a deal, they get increadibly worked up over it. like having a deviant art account, or a blog. yeah believe it or not mom, i do have some resemblance of a life, even i it is only n line. sad ness.
9.15.2008
hi!
ok, sorry, i've been like posting my writngs and such up and nothing about my menial life! because of this, i have decided to make a second blog, explicitly for my writing and wordly doodles. lol.
ok, what you have missed: i have suddenly developed the amasing ability to ype really fast, and i have no idea how. it kinda freaks me out! uh.... i love my new school, but every thing is way to easy, the teachers have my working alone and going at my own pace, in the time it took for my math teacher to cover 2 sections with the class, i finished a chapter! lol, ok, so thats about it. see yall around!
ok, what you have missed: i have suddenly developed the amasing ability to ype really fast, and i have no idea how. it kinda freaks me out! uh.... i love my new school, but every thing is way to easy, the teachers have my working alone and going at my own pace, in the time it took for my math teacher to cover 2 sections with the class, i finished a chapter! lol, ok, so thats about it. see yall around!
9.07.2008
glimps into the workings of my mind.
"that happens, you know" her words were soft, reassuring, though the pain leaked through. they had been as close as we were. "its war. people die."
i could not feel her hand on my arm, only the knowledge that something kept me from drawing the dagger.
people die. i knew that. battle- a ton of people killing alot of other people. i KNEW that. i am a soulder. a machine. people die. fragile, breackable people breack and DIE. i knew that from day one, i knew not to make attachents, that any thing i held dear to me would only be stipped away in time. i knew that, yet i still loved her.
the shape before me was still cowering against the rock, hands gripping eachother... such fear. should i feel pity? remorse?
wrenched my hand toward the figure, tearing effortlessly though her resistance. i heared he fall backward against somthing. but it didnt matter.
only one thing mattered. the dagger would be to quick...
i bent over, grabbing the collar of the figure, smug that its feet hung off the ground. ripped the helmit off, a intentionally rough movement.
mabe it would breack its neck, and i could bespared the duty of killing it. spared? no, robbed.
it's face was feminine, once human, but that didnt matter. if it had ever been human, then my killing if now would be a good thing.
its eyes were wide, afraid, and in them i saw the one carry hit again and again, crumple small because of the sudden decompression then expand atoughsand times its normality, before being momentatily engulfed in flames. it was not in her, no its, eyes, but reflected from my own. i saw it, remebered it, the only thing in this creatures eyes was fear. it only cared about its self. and its mission. to kill every one i loved and cared about.
the helmit clattered to the floor.
i could hear the dry sobs of the girl behind me.
... i knew her name, but now, so blinded by rage and pain, it escaped me.
"WHAT WILL THIS ACCOMPLISH?!" she called
the thing, i refuse to call it a girl, in my hand thrashed about, gasping for air. the sobs behind me turned panicked.
stared into its eyes, wating for then to cloud over. any moment now. any moment.
she got up, standing now beside where beast hung from my hand, looking franticly at me. " you kill her, then what?!"
my hand tightened, the face of the crecure turned a pleaseing purple.
why was she defending it? this thing had stolen the only thing that i cared about, and now it needed to die.
my hand tightened again.
"like you said," i grinned now, the eyes were beginning to lose hope, the moments growing slugished and labored, just a silent plea that i alone could see now. just that silent plea...
i could not feel her hand on my arm, only the knowledge that something kept me from drawing the dagger.
people die. i knew that. battle- a ton of people killing alot of other people. i KNEW that. i am a soulder. a machine. people die. fragile, breackable people breack and DIE. i knew that from day one, i knew not to make attachents, that any thing i held dear to me would only be stipped away in time. i knew that, yet i still loved her.
the shape before me was still cowering against the rock, hands gripping eachother... such fear. should i feel pity? remorse?
wrenched my hand toward the figure, tearing effortlessly though her resistance. i heared he fall backward against somthing. but it didnt matter.
only one thing mattered. the dagger would be to quick...
i bent over, grabbing the collar of the figure, smug that its feet hung off the ground. ripped the helmit off, a intentionally rough movement.
mabe it would breack its neck, and i could bespared the duty of killing it. spared? no, robbed.
it's face was feminine, once human, but that didnt matter. if it had ever been human, then my killing if now would be a good thing.
its eyes were wide, afraid, and in them i saw the one carry hit again and again, crumple small because of the sudden decompression then expand atoughsand times its normality, before being momentatily engulfed in flames. it was not in her, no its, eyes, but reflected from my own. i saw it, remebered it, the only thing in this creatures eyes was fear. it only cared about its self. and its mission. to kill every one i loved and cared about.
the helmit clattered to the floor.
i could hear the dry sobs of the girl behind me.
... i knew her name, but now, so blinded by rage and pain, it escaped me.
"WHAT WILL THIS ACCOMPLISH?!" she called
the thing, i refuse to call it a girl, in my hand thrashed about, gasping for air. the sobs behind me turned panicked.
stared into its eyes, wating for then to cloud over. any moment now. any moment.
she got up, standing now beside where beast hung from my hand, looking franticly at me. " you kill her, then what?!"
my hand tightened, the face of the crecure turned a pleaseing purple.
why was she defending it? this thing had stolen the only thing that i cared about, and now it needed to die.
my hand tightened again.
"like you said," i grinned now, the eyes were beginning to lose hope, the moments growing slugished and labored, just a silent plea that i alone could see now. just that silent plea...
8.08.2008
lol, wow
ok, please disreguardthat last post. i was having a REALLY bad day.
every thing seemed to fall though at once, you know?
i'm am not a self loathing emo cutter, just having "one of those days"
sorry. :-3
every thing seemed to fall though at once, you know?
i'm am not a self loathing emo cutter, just having "one of those days"
sorry. :-3
8.06.2008
what depth?
i have acepted mediocrety.
i a have become a teen age girl. the every thing i despise, so shallow, so useless. i'm slowly losing every thing i hold dear. growing further and further away from the things by which i define my self.
my plans are ruined. but the fate of flipping burgurs for a liveing no longer frightens me, i have acepted mediocraty.
my friends are distant. the only person i see consistantly is ADD mike who wants to be a mercenary when he grows up.
i'm lossing my self. i am shallow and useless and woth nothing.
it would seem that even God has overlooked me. i dare not compare myself with Job. he's trials we real. mine are miniscule, yet still i crumble benieth them. i am a paper cut who shrivels into a whole puncha after a feather has been droped on it.
i dont belong any where.
ther have only ever been two people i have really..... some thing.
and now my two people, the people that i look at and think that.... something...
are growing far apart from me. they nolonger need or, as i am beginning to suspect, will want me in times to come.
my friendship has been dear to them both, but i fear that they have the ablitity to move forward. make new freinds.
i dont belong with the people close to me.
i didn't get into the school i wanted because i have no luck, apparenly.being the liberal facists they are, the district made the system of choosing who will get a good education and who will end up in schools like verDRUG oh, complteltly luck of the draw. and i have no luck. but still in the back of my mind there is this small burning hope that i'll make it off the waiting list and into some place that i can learn from intelegent people, instead of where i am now. so i have avoided making friends. and attachments. and made my self as unhappy as i could be in verdrg oh so that no matter where i went, as long as it want there, i would be happy.
but i wont go any where else. i'll be stuck there, for at least a year and by the time i'm done serving my sentance in hell, my friends will be aquantaces, and i will still belong no where.
so how shallow i am? my bigest consern in life is ME. my education. fitting in with MY firends.
"fitting in"!!!!!
I dont fit in! I dont need to fit in! i'm stronger than fitting in! only the weak people wory about fitting in. only weak people worry about having friends! onyl weak people NEED other people to lean against because they are to WEAK to hold them selves up!
i am weak. so conserned with my own world....
but.... i'm strong, aren't i?
but i'm not. not really. i'm jelouse. i'm shallow and petty and weak and worthless and useless and every thin else i look down upon. every thing else i despise. i am now. and it's all my fault.
i have been presented with chalenges, and i have failed and lost my footing and fallen and am unable to climb back up.
i cant even see the coulds any more, muchless hope for a silver lining.
i am discusting.
i a have become a teen age girl. the every thing i despise, so shallow, so useless. i'm slowly losing every thing i hold dear. growing further and further away from the things by which i define my self.
my plans are ruined. but the fate of flipping burgurs for a liveing no longer frightens me, i have acepted mediocraty.
my friends are distant. the only person i see consistantly is ADD mike who wants to be a mercenary when he grows up.
i'm lossing my self. i am shallow and useless and woth nothing.
it would seem that even God has overlooked me. i dare not compare myself with Job. he's trials we real. mine are miniscule, yet still i crumble benieth them. i am a paper cut who shrivels into a whole puncha after a feather has been droped on it.
i dont belong any where.
ther have only ever been two people i have really..... some thing.
and now my two people, the people that i look at and think that.... something...
are growing far apart from me. they nolonger need or, as i am beginning to suspect, will want me in times to come.
my friendship has been dear to them both, but i fear that they have the ablitity to move forward. make new freinds.
i dont belong with the people close to me.
i didn't get into the school i wanted because i have no luck, apparenly.being the liberal facists they are, the district made the system of choosing who will get a good education and who will end up in schools like verDRUG oh, complteltly luck of the draw. and i have no luck. but still in the back of my mind there is this small burning hope that i'll make it off the waiting list and into some place that i can learn from intelegent people, instead of where i am now. so i have avoided making friends. and attachments. and made my self as unhappy as i could be in verdrg oh so that no matter where i went, as long as it want there, i would be happy.
but i wont go any where else. i'll be stuck there, for at least a year and by the time i'm done serving my sentance in hell, my friends will be aquantaces, and i will still belong no where.
so how shallow i am? my bigest consern in life is ME. my education. fitting in with MY firends.
"fitting in"!!!!!
I dont fit in! I dont need to fit in! i'm stronger than fitting in! only the weak people wory about fitting in. only weak people worry about having friends! onyl weak people NEED other people to lean against because they are to WEAK to hold them selves up!
i am weak. so conserned with my own world....
but.... i'm strong, aren't i?
but i'm not. not really. i'm jelouse. i'm shallow and petty and weak and worthless and useless and every thin else i look down upon. every thing else i despise. i am now. and it's all my fault.
i have been presented with chalenges, and i have failed and lost my footing and fallen and am unable to climb back up.
i cant even see the coulds any more, muchless hope for a silver lining.
i am discusting.
7.29.2008
coment with title ideas.
>>>>> "haaaaaah….. haaaaaaaah……haaaaah." His hot breath was beginning to fog the glass of his helmit. The cockpit of the single piolet ship was unbeaabley hot and now his helmis was foggin. He iched to pull it off and breathe real, not canned air. An urgent beeping pulled his attenction from the humidity to the power. Low. And dropping. He hit a button praying th intercom still had power. Hit eyes flickered to a flashing light on the controle panel. Armor down to 47%. Hull breaches in the aft secton. Losing compression. He could feel the pull of space coming from the tear in the steal shell. The intercom signal suddenly came sraching in. through the interference he could catch a few words " scht …. Retreat…… all…..scht….. ba-" his fingers raced wildly across the key board, panic rising in his chest. armore donw to 20% and dropping. There had to be another frequency where the signal from the flag ship would be stonger- clearer. But the more he seached the radio station the less he could understand. Hull breach in section 3492. screeming the disress call he had prayed never to use onto all frequency, the panic that had been threatening to take over consumed him. Fingers flaying across the panel once more he tried unsucsessfullto to seal the damaged parts of the fighter. A calm voice infomed him that the cockpit was decompressing. A sudden rush of coldness washed over him and the screens went blank. And the air being piped into his helmis suddenly ceased. He willed his breath to become even- to take up as little oxygen as possible but even seconds afer the stop of flow he found it hard to breath. I need to get out. The words lodged themselves into his mind. He tried to move, but his body was fozen by the cruel vacuume of space. Forcing all of his might and will into one arm he reached out, fighting the panic, and lack of oxygen, just to stay awake, and pushed the eject button. The ship gave a sudder. Something was wrong. His mind was beginning to become foggy. I can't breathe! His mind no longer raced. But some thing more than that was wrong. He looked up in the split second before his chair was shot upward and out. The top was crushed. It would not open. He was a dead man. And the chair exploded into the top of the ship.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "No you idiot, right there!" Lieutenant Roan barked at the yong ensign, pointing a finger at the blip on the screen. The ensin shiveled back against his seat. "Yes ma'm." he said nodding. "You see it now?"Roan asked in her most sinister voice. "Yesma'm." the ensign squeeked. She statended up, enjoyng the teffitying effect she had on the kid. Scowling she looked at the digipad she held in one hand. "Ensign….Cark?" she guessed after a moment. "that's me.." cark said softly, still looking to scared to breath. "hmph." She said scribbling away with a stylus. "Lieutenant ….." the captain called from behind. "yes sir?" she said turning around at attention, then relaxed seeing the captains humorous expression."what are you doing?" he said sighing.. "found a…. object sir." She sid glancing back at Cark. He sighed, shaking his head this time. " we just won a battle, don't you think ther might be some 'object' floating around out there?" it was rhetoracle, they bothe knew that, but he waited for a response any way. Roan wasn't the only one who like to see lower ranks squirm, by the lieutenant held herself, sareing with cold, dark eyes right back into those of the captain. The brief silence was broken by the trembling voice of the ensign, "one life sighn aboad,it's faint though." He said turning way from the panel. A smug smile flashed across roans face then disappeared. Another silence. "captain Voresh? How should we proceed?" carks voice protraed his deep desire to melt into a puddle and slither way. He hated the neverending banter between Voresh and Roan. But he and the other lower officer on the bridge kep their mouth shut; no one would risk Roans temper. "sir?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "launch Shear."
>>>>>
>>>>> "yes sir." He sighed quietly then flipped the small toggle connecting his ear piece to the launch deck. "prepare the 3-XO7- "flight" for launch immidiatly."
>>>>>
>>>>> He could only imagine his voice booming across the deck. The men scrambling to fit armor onto the light ship. The 3-XO7, flight as it was called, he though to himself, now there was a one -carry fighter. And that "Swepth Shear" or what ever her name was- now ther was a pilot.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Swepth looked up wearily as the name of her one-carry was called over the intercom. Sighing she got up from the mess hall, not bothering to clean up her pate and rushed out into the corridor. It was a larg ship, the largest in the fleet, and possibly the best armed in the Earth Gatherence army. Normally Swepth didn't have any problem with being in space, but this… ship was too big. And with the artificial gravity, it was almost like being on a colony. She rounded a corner and waited for the sliding doors to open to the launch deck.
>>>>>
>>>>> Her space suit and the cockpit of the flight were the only thing that seemed close to a home for Swepth. And as she hopped into the open top of the flight she felt happier than ever. This was the only thing she was good at. Piloting. She was the only female pilot in the Earth Gathence army and was dispised my many for her talent. She pushed a botton,k activating the helmis camera, a live feed to the bridge. "this is Shear; lanching 3-XO7." She said, moving her hand toward the throttle out of habit. "Flight, you're a go." An ensign from the bridge said into the somunicator. Gripping thehandle of the throdle, as the adranalin kicked in, she pushed it as fro as it would go.
>>>>>
>>>>> And she was out. Out and way from all the people of the huge ship, out into the wonderful solitude of space. "what am looking for?" she breathed into the intercom, thankful that the video feet cut once she was out of the ship. The drone of an ensign one the other end sent her the coodinates. "we're not sure, but hurry, theres a person out there"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "name?" that was a word… wans't it? "name?" it was getting louder. "name!?" and… if it's possible, it was getting annoyed. Could words get mad? None of it made sence to him, nothing but pain. He was breathing, so he was a live. The pain of his neck started to bring some excrutiating clarity to the situation.pain, he was defiantly alive. "name!?" the voie reapeated, more annoyed. "Sprig Gavenson." He said automaticly, now that the meaning of the word registered. There was no helmit and was laying not sitting. But where? He sat up, or tried to anyway befor doubeling over in pain. Sprig managed to open his eyes. He was in some sort of sick bay, but notihng like the one on the flag ship. "That's good, thank you." He found the owner of the voice, a woman in a white robe that folded over its self and attached at the hip. That uniform……. His eyes grew wide. Then he shut them, trying desparatly to recall what had happened. There was a battle…. He had been launched last, his crews last line of defence, and he failed. He was hit. Lost power. Nothing afer that but the vegue image of wide... almost scared, but horrified blue eyes staring wildly at him through the glass of another hilmit, a mangled body reflecting in it. "rank?" the woman demanded.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "one-carry fighter piolet." was this an interogation?
>>>>
>>>> " craft?"
>>>> "cold flame." why was he telling her this?
>>>> "the number??" she was getting annoyed.
>>>> " 476-304 cold flame" he spouted the whole name reluctantly, rolling over to face the woman, inpectin her more througholy. she was old, obviously near retirement. he unifor was that of the Earth Gatherance- he cursed them silently- and white, so this was a sick bay...
>>>> "thank you." she said scowling.
>>>> a wave of guild swept over him. every one in the fleet was now dead- because of him. thoughs of the admiral, his mentor, coundtless captains, and an infinite nuber of cewmember now floated dead- becasue of him. his eyes flickered to the woman, standing there, dressed in white of all things, a symble of them. white- pure and untoched by the cold reality the death and war brought- that killing killing other people brought. one of them.
>>>> he spat at her suddenly.
>>>> "where am i?" he said, malace dripping from his voice.
>>>> he stuggled up onto one one elbow, and his eyes went cold.
>>>> "i'll kill you..." his voice cracking from the pain of moveing.
>>>> he let out a yelp of pain as the inside of his elbow burst into excrutiating pain. only then did he notice the needle, the i.v. and he colapsed.
>>>
>>>
>>> "what are you doing to him!?" swepth call angrily from the dorr way.
>>> "interrogation, standard procedure." the medical officer answered alittle defencively.
>>> sigthing and shoulder past the woman to the controle pannel she was standing at.
>>> "god," she muttered under her breath, "they let any one at a uniform these days." the woman opened her mouth to reply but was cut off.
>>> "the Skys Army is desparate. i would have though you of all perple would know that."
>>> swepth staitened from the panel. "luetenant roan." she said stiffly, not turning to face her.
>>> "swepth." roan said nodding bruscly. then turning to the woman. " report?" the medical officer straitend, and pulled out a digy pad.
>>> "the Livouts is working quite well. i got name and rank...... and the name of his craft." she read from the pad.
>>> roan was not pleased."all the things we picked up from the files on his ship."
>>> she sighed to keep her temper down.
>>> "any thign usefull?"
>>> the woman shook her head.
>>> "then get to work." now to swepth,"i want you working wtih the engineers down on launch deck to get that thing of his working...... now." her words were slow and deliberate. and infuriating.
>>> "yes mam." swepth spat through clenched teeth. she turned and stalked out of the sick bay, her uniform trailiing weakly behind her.
>>> as the elivators doors slid fluidly open, swepth immidiatly felt calmer. the smell of oil and mecanics flooded her nose and she breathed it deeply. the launch deck- her place. she unually ate down here- any thing to avoid the other crew members.
>>> and interogation, only natural, but to use expririamntal drugs, even on an animal like the boy... was unthinkable. "Livouts" she had said, a truth serim as it was being advertised, or rather, passed off as, but the SA. the tests on rats were horrific, the long term affects made even swepth sick.
>>> on the other hand, he was an enimy, one of many "one- carry fighter" piolets that had destored her home. he wa an animal, and it was only natural for seom one who had already been modified, she cringed, even thinking the word, to be exprimente on.
>>> who was he.. before? a piolet? or just a boy, not far from her won age, wraped up in the confusion of adolesance? had a been an SA recriut? and officer?
>>> by this time she was at his one-carry. she wrenched the crumpled cockpit open, squeesing her self into the nearly destroyed pioleting caity. one wing was gone, oxygen down to critical. she studied the screens for a moment, still frozed in their despays from the imactp. every thing was frozed, the seat she sat on torn and stained. with what? she wondered vauguely.
>>> out of the one carry now, she carefully disconnected the uplink capble from the fighters hard drive, reconnecting in its place a power cord. back inside the fighter, she searched for the "on" button. she scowed, it was a toggle swich rather than a button. she flicked it up, hearing the strong familiar sound of a one-carry engin starting up. then the sound sputtered, coughed, and failed, ending in a lage bang, and flooding the cockpit with smoke. she got out, swearing.
>>> why had she thought it would work?
>>> the whole nose was fractured, the whole plane was a wreck. what did roan think she would accomplish by getting her to make the thing work again? did she just want to feel the sick satisfaction of seeing the hopeful faces of that animals crew mates at his possible life, being crushed as their own fighter fired apon them? how many lives would have to end for every one to feel "satisfied" that all was even.? untill they were all dead there would still be retrabution demanded by some one for some lost life.
>>> swepth sighed angrily, prying the nose cover off. another billow of smoke met her face, biting at her eyes. she sputtered waekily, clearing it away with a few sweaps of her hand, pulled out a wrench and set to work.
>>>
>>> the sound of sliding doors mad swepth jerk up her head, right into the light fixture, stumble back, trip on a screw driver and fall, bleeding slightly and cursing to the ground.
>>> "what ever it is," she groweled, cluching her head in pain "it better be important."
>>> "oh?" she could hear in the tone of Roans voice, that her eyebrow raised.
>>> swepth shighed, got to her feet and scoweled at roan. "work deck is no pleace for formalities. say what you want and leave, i'm working under orders."
>>> roan sighed,put off. "thought you could use this, seeing as you woulld apear to be unsucksessful..." she nodded toward the fighter. "i'm mean its beeen what? 4 hours now? and you still couldn't salvage it? cap' s'not gonna like this"
>>> "swepths eyes narrowed, "you wanna give it a try?" whishout waiting for an answer, "what did you bring?"
>>> roan steped a sided.
>>> "you have got to be kidding me..."
>>> the boy from the sick bay stood cuffed before sweth and now beside a gloating roan. "you couldn't to do it, mabe he can. "
>>> she turned and steped into the lift. "wait! what if he sees-" swepth called after her, but was cut off as the sliding doors met and the platform rose.
>>> swepth turned to the boy, the glarde in her eyes almost made him flinch, but not quite.
>>> "sit down , face the wall and shut up, i dont need your help, i'm just stuck baby sitting so so if you move an inch, i'm kill you." she grabbed a chain, fastening it to the cuffs, yet did so carefully so as not to make contact wit hhis skin.
>>> it was pallid, liek hers, to many days spent in a cockepit, she guessed.
he made no reponce but sat down, turning as she had intructed.
she tied the chan to her belt, turning back to the wires she had been saudering.
he was quiets as she worked, he pressence like an ever growing pressure. finally, she burst.
"so," she muttered, almost to her self , "what is it donwing? planning, waiting for me to stop paying attention for a moment? hoping i'll learn to trust it...?"
she was baiting him, and they both knew it. " it's name is sprig." he said in and even calculated voice.
he hand tightened on the laser, eyes flitting away from the wires for a breif second, he caut the movement, from the corner of his eye.
she could hear the sudden smile in his voices as he spock again, "red to yellow."
"what?" she asked, regretting the words eve n as they flowed from her lips, i shouldn't be talking to it.... she scorned her self.
he turning tward her, smug, "those are break away wires, upon loss of power, the sever them selves. they're all miss mached too, red to yello, blue to orange. with out the training, you could never hope to put on of these one carrie back together.
oh, yeah, we know. the losing "his smugness grew at the word "side scavenges.
e're the beasts and you're the pirates."
it was her tern to be smug "and you're telling me this because..?"
" i assume you're going to 'fix' me, right?" swepth could hear the slightest edge of fear in his voice.
she nodded.
"then i might get to fly it again."
fter a moment of silence, she walked hesitantly over to him.
"we'll be helping you, freeing you." she reached out a hand to him, almost angry with herself at offering such a kind action to a war prisoner.
he fliched away, the tone in his voice became that of someone marching to the gallows, solmn, acepted, "you will be changingg me. and in the end, i will kill my own comrads."
swepth, too, shrunck back, retreating to her work. red to yellow, blue to green... "and your comrads before your modification? what about them?"
he swallowed silently. "they are dead, just as to them i am dead."
she finished, grabing the hood, and clamping it down. she pulled out a metal hammer, and began flatening it.
>>with each pownd she could see out of the corner of her eye sprigs hands, forming the shape of the craft in the air "cold flame." he muttered to hims self, daring a glance at the crumpled mass of metal, greif across his face.
she knew that pain, the pain of losing ones craft.
in hours to hours most piolets spent more time in their plane than every where else combined, swepth slept in hers. they had a learning system that would adapt to any one who flew it after a few times, and according to some pioltes, the computing system coud form bonds, seeing the graceful shape vertually destoryed would bring pain to any one who saw t, but especially to the one who loved it. in deep space, someones one carrie was their whole life, their friends, and family.
"what ship were you based from?" she asked suddenyl.
" the flag ship, Blue Crossing. pride of her fleet."
>>
>
yeah, i know there's a ton of type o's but try to waid trough them please.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "No you idiot, right there!" Lieutenant Roan barked at the yong ensign, pointing a finger at the blip on the screen. The ensin shiveled back against his seat. "Yes ma'm." he said nodding. "You see it now?"Roan asked in her most sinister voice. "Yesma'm." the ensign squeeked. She statended up, enjoyng the teffitying effect she had on the kid. Scowling she looked at the digipad she held in one hand. "Ensign….Cark?" she guessed after a moment. "that's me.." cark said softly, still looking to scared to breath. "hmph." She said scribbling away with a stylus. "Lieutenant ….." the captain called from behind. "yes sir?" she said turning around at attention, then relaxed seeing the captains humorous expression."what are you doing?" he said sighing.. "found a…. object sir." She sid glancing back at Cark. He sighed, shaking his head this time. " we just won a battle, don't you think ther might be some 'object' floating around out there?" it was rhetoracle, they bothe knew that, but he waited for a response any way. Roan wasn't the only one who like to see lower ranks squirm, by the lieutenant held herself, sareing with cold, dark eyes right back into those of the captain. The brief silence was broken by the trembling voice of the ensign, "one life sighn aboad,it's faint though." He said turning way from the panel. A smug smile flashed across roans face then disappeared. Another silence. "captain Voresh? How should we proceed?" carks voice protraed his deep desire to melt into a puddle and slither way. He hated the neverending banter between Voresh and Roan. But he and the other lower officer on the bridge kep their mouth shut; no one would risk Roans temper. "sir?"
>>>>>
>>>>> "launch Shear."
>>>>>
>>>>> "yes sir." He sighed quietly then flipped the small toggle connecting his ear piece to the launch deck. "prepare the 3-XO7- "flight" for launch immidiatly."
>>>>>
>>>>> He could only imagine his voice booming across the deck. The men scrambling to fit armor onto the light ship. The 3-XO7, flight as it was called, he though to himself, now there was a one -carry fighter. And that "Swepth Shear" or what ever her name was- now ther was a pilot.
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> Swepth looked up wearily as the name of her one-carry was called over the intercom. Sighing she got up from the mess hall, not bothering to clean up her pate and rushed out into the corridor. It was a larg ship, the largest in the fleet, and possibly the best armed in the Earth Gatherence army. Normally Swepth didn't have any problem with being in space, but this… ship was too big. And with the artificial gravity, it was almost like being on a colony. She rounded a corner and waited for the sliding doors to open to the launch deck.
>>>>>
>>>>> Her space suit and the cockpit of the flight were the only thing that seemed close to a home for Swepth. And as she hopped into the open top of the flight she felt happier than ever. This was the only thing she was good at. Piloting. She was the only female pilot in the Earth Gathence army and was dispised my many for her talent. She pushed a botton,k activating the helmis camera, a live feed to the bridge. "this is Shear; lanching 3-XO7." She said, moving her hand toward the throttle out of habit. "Flight, you're a go." An ensign from the bridge said into the somunicator. Gripping thehandle of the throdle, as the adranalin kicked in, she pushed it as fro as it would go.
>>>>>
>>>>> And she was out. Out and way from all the people of the huge ship, out into the wonderful solitude of space. "what am looking for?" she breathed into the intercom, thankful that the video feet cut once she was out of the ship. The drone of an ensign one the other end sent her the coodinates. "we're not sure, but hurry, theres a person out there"
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "name?" that was a word… wans't it? "name?" it was getting louder. "name!?" and… if it's possible, it was getting annoyed. Could words get mad? None of it made sence to him, nothing but pain. He was breathing, so he was a live. The pain of his neck started to bring some excrutiating clarity to the situation.pain, he was defiantly alive. "name!?" the voie reapeated, more annoyed. "Sprig Gavenson." He said automaticly, now that the meaning of the word registered. There was no helmit and was laying not sitting. But where? He sat up, or tried to anyway befor doubeling over in pain. Sprig managed to open his eyes. He was in some sort of sick bay, but notihng like the one on the flag ship. "That's good, thank you." He found the owner of the voice, a woman in a white robe that folded over its self and attached at the hip. That uniform……. His eyes grew wide. Then he shut them, trying desparatly to recall what had happened. There was a battle…. He had been launched last, his crews last line of defence, and he failed. He was hit. Lost power. Nothing afer that but the vegue image of wide... almost scared, but horrified blue eyes staring wildly at him through the glass of another hilmit, a mangled body reflecting in it. "rank?" the woman demanded.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>> "one-carry fighter piolet." was this an interogation?
>>>>
>>>> " craft?"
>>>> "cold flame." why was he telling her this?
>>>> "the number??" she was getting annoyed.
>>>> " 476-304 cold flame" he spouted the whole name reluctantly, rolling over to face the woman, inpectin her more througholy. she was old, obviously near retirement. he unifor was that of the Earth Gatherance- he cursed them silently- and white, so this was a sick bay...
>>>> "thank you." she said scowling.
>>>> a wave of guild swept over him. every one in the fleet was now dead- because of him. thoughs of the admiral, his mentor, coundtless captains, and an infinite nuber of cewmember now floated dead- becasue of him. his eyes flickered to the woman, standing there, dressed in white of all things, a symble of them. white- pure and untoched by the cold reality the death and war brought- that killing killing other people brought. one of them.
>>>> he spat at her suddenly.
>>>> "where am i?" he said, malace dripping from his voice.
>>>> he stuggled up onto one one elbow, and his eyes went cold.
>>>> "i'll kill you..." his voice cracking from the pain of moveing.
>>>> he let out a yelp of pain as the inside of his elbow burst into excrutiating pain. only then did he notice the needle, the i.v. and he colapsed.
>>>
>>>
>>> "what are you doing to him!?" swepth call angrily from the dorr way.
>>> "interrogation, standard procedure." the medical officer answered alittle defencively.
>>> sigthing and shoulder past the woman to the controle pannel she was standing at.
>>> "god," she muttered under her breath, "they let any one at a uniform these days." the woman opened her mouth to reply but was cut off.
>>> "the Skys Army is desparate. i would have though you of all perple would know that."
>>> swepth staitened from the panel. "luetenant roan." she said stiffly, not turning to face her.
>>> "swepth." roan said nodding bruscly. then turning to the woman. " report?" the medical officer straitend, and pulled out a digy pad.
>>> "the Livouts is working quite well. i got name and rank...... and the name of his craft." she read from the pad.
>>> roan was not pleased."all the things we picked up from the files on his ship."
>>> she sighed to keep her temper down.
>>> "any thign usefull?"
>>> the woman shook her head.
>>> "then get to work." now to swepth,"i want you working wtih the engineers down on launch deck to get that thing of his working...... now." her words were slow and deliberate. and infuriating.
>>> "yes mam." swepth spat through clenched teeth. she turned and stalked out of the sick bay, her uniform trailiing weakly behind her.
>>> as the elivators doors slid fluidly open, swepth immidiatly felt calmer. the smell of oil and mecanics flooded her nose and she breathed it deeply. the launch deck- her place. she unually ate down here- any thing to avoid the other crew members.
>>> and interogation, only natural, but to use expririamntal drugs, even on an animal like the boy... was unthinkable. "Livouts" she had said, a truth serim as it was being advertised, or rather, passed off as, but the SA. the tests on rats were horrific, the long term affects made even swepth sick.
>>> on the other hand, he was an enimy, one of many "one- carry fighter" piolets that had destored her home. he wa an animal, and it was only natural for seom one who had already been modified, she cringed, even thinking the word, to be exprimente on.
>>> who was he.. before? a piolet? or just a boy, not far from her won age, wraped up in the confusion of adolesance? had a been an SA recriut? and officer?
>>> by this time she was at his one-carry. she wrenched the crumpled cockpit open, squeesing her self into the nearly destroyed pioleting caity. one wing was gone, oxygen down to critical. she studied the screens for a moment, still frozed in their despays from the imactp. every thing was frozed, the seat she sat on torn and stained. with what? she wondered vauguely.
>>> out of the one carry now, she carefully disconnected the uplink capble from the fighters hard drive, reconnecting in its place a power cord. back inside the fighter, she searched for the "on" button. she scowed, it was a toggle swich rather than a button. she flicked it up, hearing the strong familiar sound of a one-carry engin starting up. then the sound sputtered, coughed, and failed, ending in a lage bang, and flooding the cockpit with smoke. she got out, swearing.
>>> why had she thought it would work?
>>> the whole nose was fractured, the whole plane was a wreck. what did roan think she would accomplish by getting her to make the thing work again? did she just want to feel the sick satisfaction of seeing the hopeful faces of that animals crew mates at his possible life, being crushed as their own fighter fired apon them? how many lives would have to end for every one to feel "satisfied" that all was even.? untill they were all dead there would still be retrabution demanded by some one for some lost life.
>>> swepth sighed angrily, prying the nose cover off. another billow of smoke met her face, biting at her eyes. she sputtered waekily, clearing it away with a few sweaps of her hand, pulled out a wrench and set to work.
>>>
>>> the sound of sliding doors mad swepth jerk up her head, right into the light fixture, stumble back, trip on a screw driver and fall, bleeding slightly and cursing to the ground.
>>> "what ever it is," she groweled, cluching her head in pain "it better be important."
>>> "oh?" she could hear in the tone of Roans voice, that her eyebrow raised.
>>> swepth shighed, got to her feet and scoweled at roan. "work deck is no pleace for formalities. say what you want and leave, i'm working under orders."
>>> roan sighed,put off. "thought you could use this, seeing as you woulld apear to be unsucksessful..." she nodded toward the fighter. "i'm mean its beeen what? 4 hours now? and you still couldn't salvage it? cap' s'not gonna like this"
>>> "swepths eyes narrowed, "you wanna give it a try?" whishout waiting for an answer, "what did you bring?"
>>> roan steped a sided.
>>> "you have got to be kidding me..."
>>> the boy from the sick bay stood cuffed before sweth and now beside a gloating roan. "you couldn't to do it, mabe he can. "
>>> she turned and steped into the lift. "wait! what if he sees-" swepth called after her, but was cut off as the sliding doors met and the platform rose.
>>> swepth turned to the boy, the glarde in her eyes almost made him flinch, but not quite.
>>> "sit down , face the wall and shut up, i dont need your help, i'm just stuck baby sitting so so if you move an inch, i'm kill you." she grabbed a chain, fastening it to the cuffs, yet did so carefully so as not to make contact wit hhis skin.
>>> it was pallid, liek hers, to many days spent in a cockepit, she guessed.
he made no reponce but sat down, turning as she had intructed.
she tied the chan to her belt, turning back to the wires she had been saudering.
he was quiets as she worked, he pressence like an ever growing pressure. finally, she burst.
"so," she muttered, almost to her self , "what is it donwing? planning, waiting for me to stop paying attention for a moment? hoping i'll learn to trust it...?"
she was baiting him, and they both knew it. " it's name is sprig." he said in and even calculated voice.
he hand tightened on the laser, eyes flitting away from the wires for a breif second, he caut the movement, from the corner of his eye.
she could hear the sudden smile in his voices as he spock again, "red to yellow."
"what?" she asked, regretting the words eve n as they flowed from her lips, i shouldn't be talking to it.... she scorned her self.
he turning tward her, smug, "those are break away wires, upon loss of power, the sever them selves. they're all miss mached too, red to yello, blue to orange. with out the training, you could never hope to put on of these one carrie back together.
oh, yeah, we know. the losing "his smugness grew at the word "side scavenges.
e're the beasts and you're the pirates."
it was her tern to be smug "and you're telling me this because..?"
" i assume you're going to 'fix' me, right?" swepth could hear the slightest edge of fear in his voice.
she nodded.
"then i might get to fly it again."
fter a moment of silence, she walked hesitantly over to him.
"we'll be helping you, freeing you." she reached out a hand to him, almost angry with herself at offering such a kind action to a war prisoner.
he fliched away, the tone in his voice became that of someone marching to the gallows, solmn, acepted, "you will be changingg me. and in the end, i will kill my own comrads."
swepth, too, shrunck back, retreating to her work. red to yellow, blue to green... "and your comrads before your modification? what about them?"
he swallowed silently. "they are dead, just as to them i am dead."
she finished, grabing the hood, and clamping it down. she pulled out a metal hammer, and began flatening it.
>>with each pownd she could see out of the corner of her eye sprigs hands, forming the shape of the craft in the air "cold flame." he muttered to hims self, daring a glance at the crumpled mass of metal, greif across his face.
she knew that pain, the pain of losing ones craft.
in hours to hours most piolets spent more time in their plane than every where else combined, swepth slept in hers. they had a learning system that would adapt to any one who flew it after a few times, and according to some pioltes, the computing system coud form bonds, seeing the graceful shape vertually destoryed would bring pain to any one who saw t, but especially to the one who loved it. in deep space, someones one carrie was their whole life, their friends, and family.
"what ship were you based from?" she asked suddenyl.
" the flag ship, Blue Crossing. pride of her fleet."
>>
>
yeah, i know there's a ton of type o's but try to waid trough them please.
7.05.2008
the empty canvace
thoughout "great" literature the empty canvace is viewed as a place of infinite possibilyities.
right now, my life is an empyt canvace, with out possiblilities. i had a beautiful paining, perfect down to the last detail, each brush stroke let behind by some one who cared.
some one who as of now, will now pain any more stokes on my canvace of life. every one i knew is gone, for i am lost to them.
my painting is gone and im left with blank emptyness, unable to make any thing out of it but the lone firhgtinging words"verdrug oh." for verdugo, as more resecting people might call the school, is where i have ended up.
i've got to figure that some one up there hates me alot. i had a plan, right though the rest of my life, i'd to to texas a and m, live in a small town in oregon, and have two horses, wich i would hook up to a cart every sunday after noon and drive about the town.
i had the out line of a life, and all i had to do was live it out.
BUT who ever it was up ther who hates me took away my plan, my hopes and most likeyly my future. i lost a world that sould have been mine, doomed to the seedy underworld of run of the mill public education. some one please kill me.
i dont belong here.
right now, my life is an empyt canvace, with out possiblilities. i had a beautiful paining, perfect down to the last detail, each brush stroke let behind by some one who cared.
some one who as of now, will now pain any more stokes on my canvace of life. every one i knew is gone, for i am lost to them.
my painting is gone and im left with blank emptyness, unable to make any thing out of it but the lone firhgtinging words"verdrug oh." for verdugo, as more resecting people might call the school, is where i have ended up.
i've got to figure that some one up there hates me alot. i had a plan, right though the rest of my life, i'd to to texas a and m, live in a small town in oregon, and have two horses, wich i would hook up to a cart every sunday after noon and drive about the town.
i had the out line of a life, and all i had to do was live it out.
BUT who ever it was up ther who hates me took away my plan, my hopes and most likeyly my future. i lost a world that sould have been mine, doomed to the seedy underworld of run of the mill public education. some one please kill me.
i dont belong here.
5.18.2008
alreight, enuf.
this is a warning. i'm sick and tired to talking to m self so unless some one posts a commend i'm quitting, k?
sny way..... i'm learning to mow the lawn.
in my family mowi g the lawn is like a right of passage, like a whooooo you're growing up thing. well, i hate it. its hot noisy nd hard. grrrrrrrrrrr. and my dad came out
with a lawn chair
and stared lafing at my while i wored and he sat in the shad.
kiilll mmmmeeeeee.
sny way..... i'm learning to mow the lawn.
in my family mowi g the lawn is like a right of passage, like a whooooo you're growing up thing. well, i hate it. its hot noisy nd hard. grrrrrrrrrrr. and my dad came out
with a lawn chair
and stared lafing at my while i wored and he sat in the shad.
kiilll mmmmeeeeee.
5.02.2008
i hate reality.
hornestly there's nothing good about it. i'm really happy to just live in my own little dream world and just so "blechth" to any thing and every thing else.
and i do.... mostly, but every once in a while i'll be drawn out in the thick green hazy grotesque light of the real world, and, like a vampire in light i burn(depenting on what books you read of corse, be assure i do not get sparkly). books catch me off guard, and wrom little remnances of the real world into my mind before i can stop them. the Chololate war for example.
(dont read it!) and now this book that i've been really enjoying has suddenly taken a turn for the worse and joined the dark side- bringing a sick and perverted side to a character that i really enjoyed.
the character is on a quest to find his friend. in what i just read it was revield that this mans freid, who was also a man, was more than a freind. to be hornest i could careless who you like in comparison to your gender, but learning this about this character made me squirm. i felt betrayed. and dirty.
and again my books tie into my life.
he admitted that he's bi in confidence to my friend, who ofcoarse told me. there's always been the suspition that he was, but now, to have it just thorown up in my face..... i dont know what i should... feel. my mind and body are once again pulled apart. one still feels the thrill of joy when i remember that he complimented my shirt to day, and then the other reminds my what he is. i dont know if the SHOULD bothre me. i dont know what to feel. help/
and i do.... mostly, but every once in a while i'll be drawn out in the thick green hazy grotesque light of the real world, and, like a vampire in light i burn(depenting on what books you read of corse, be assure i do not get sparkly). books catch me off guard, and wrom little remnances of the real world into my mind before i can stop them. the Chololate war for example.
(dont read it!) and now this book that i've been really enjoying has suddenly taken a turn for the worse and joined the dark side- bringing a sick and perverted side to a character that i really enjoyed.
the character is on a quest to find his friend. in what i just read it was revield that this mans freid, who was also a man, was more than a freind. to be hornest i could careless who you like in comparison to your gender, but learning this about this character made me squirm. i felt betrayed. and dirty.
and again my books tie into my life.
he admitted that he's bi in confidence to my friend, who ofcoarse told me. there's always been the suspition that he was, but now, to have it just thorown up in my face..... i dont know what i should... feel. my mind and body are once again pulled apart. one still feels the thrill of joy when i remember that he complimented my shirt to day, and then the other reminds my what he is. i dont know if the SHOULD bothre me. i dont know what to feel. help/
5.01.2008
kis it and make it better?
/gag
/gag
ok, toay i was chewing.... and laughing(/gasp! me .... laughing!? i know, i'm shocked too.) and let me just say that that is a very bad combo.
so in my rare chewing and laughing fit my jaw comes down wrong... and hard. well this misplaced jaw procedes to chip my tooth and beleave me, if a mouth cuold doble up in pain, my would have. so ofcouse arfter suffering this awful injury, i do the one thing that might could make me feel better. i go see him. and i drag claire along becasue i dont trust my self not to breack down and portray any emotion around him with out a shaparone. so we go over for our dayly hug. she gets her's i get mine. and as she steps back to that i can have a hug and i feel his arm rap gently around the small of my back, pulling my close, and smell him, and i'm silently and secretly reveling in his presence, joyful, yes JOYFUL at his ginger and tenative touch, i hear claires voice breack though my perfect and fleeting world and say, "hey _____(not gonna say his name)! guess what? ivy hurt her mouth, why dont you kiss it and make it better?"
i coult have died. i could feel her eyes on me(i've talked about her, right?- the girl thats constantly all voer him and hate me?) and just the hate and.... pity and i'm so pathetic as i flush a red that would put a fir truck to shame, and just the discust in her eyes, and the way he looks from clair to me an laughs. "can we go?" i beg then another friend of mine pipes up," you dont you do it claire?" and they start a LOUD conversation about who should make out with me to make my tooth feel better. and they're both girls. gawh. i want to die.
On the ground I layMotionless in painI can see my life flashing before my eyesDid I fall asleepIs this all a dreamWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die) I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingOn this bed I layLosing everythingI can see my life passing me byWas it all too muchOr just not enoughWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die)I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI will not die, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dying
/gag
ok, toay i was chewing.... and laughing(/gasp! me .... laughing!? i know, i'm shocked too.) and let me just say that that is a very bad combo.
so in my rare chewing and laughing fit my jaw comes down wrong... and hard. well this misplaced jaw procedes to chip my tooth and beleave me, if a mouth cuold doble up in pain, my would have. so ofcouse arfter suffering this awful injury, i do the one thing that might could make me feel better. i go see him. and i drag claire along becasue i dont trust my self not to breack down and portray any emotion around him with out a shaparone. so we go over for our dayly hug. she gets her's i get mine. and as she steps back to that i can have a hug and i feel his arm rap gently around the small of my back, pulling my close, and smell him, and i'm silently and secretly reveling in his presence, joyful, yes JOYFUL at his ginger and tenative touch, i hear claires voice breack though my perfect and fleeting world and say, "hey _____(not gonna say his name)! guess what? ivy hurt her mouth, why dont you kiss it and make it better?"
i coult have died. i could feel her eyes on me(i've talked about her, right?- the girl thats constantly all voer him and hate me?) and just the hate and.... pity and i'm so pathetic as i flush a red that would put a fir truck to shame, and just the discust in her eyes, and the way he looks from clair to me an laughs. "can we go?" i beg then another friend of mine pipes up," you dont you do it claire?" and they start a LOUD conversation about who should make out with me to make my tooth feel better. and they're both girls. gawh. i want to die.
On the ground I layMotionless in painI can see my life flashing before my eyesDid I fall asleepIs this all a dreamWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die) I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingOn this bed I layLosing everythingI can see my life passing me byWas it all too muchOr just not enoughWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die)I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI will not die, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dying
4.29.2008
DUMB DA DUMB DUMB.
ok, i really wanna play wow right now so this is gonna be shot. didnt poast over the weaked becasue went to GAM. garthing of all mariners. did boating and swimming and didint sleep at all so i'm still tired. uh..... got boared today. and started counting all the animes i watch of follow in some way:
gumdam seed
gundam destny
bleach
naruto
naruto shipuden
dath note
fma
vampire knite...
i think thts it.
no more to write about i promis a longer poast tomorro....
oh! for got- please comment. i get tired of talking to my self. so yeah. say some thing. please. i gets loney some times.
gumdam seed
gundam destny
bleach
naruto
naruto shipuden
dath note
fma
vampire knite...
i think thts it.
no more to write about i promis a longer poast tomorro....
oh! for got- please comment. i get tired of talking to my self. so yeah. say some thing. please. i gets loney some times.
4.24.2008
why is my chicken walking funny?
disregard the titel.
ok, my milfe in the past.... 2 1/2 moths is sumed up in the nifty little acrmyn:
WoW
as in World of Warcraft.
and the sad thing is that i'm only a 31. which in the sceam of things is kinda low, but i'm happy in my mediocraty so leave my and my stupid little bubble alone and dont pop it, k?
so in these three months i've been living happily on wow, and doing absolutely notherin eles and then it hits me:
i'm gonna be graduating soon. this is the year of endings. next year nothing, ABSOLUTLY NOTHING i now know will have any connection with me.
i'm graduating, my gs troop is breaking up, i will problably looss my best friends. my sis is going to colledge. and i'm mwaistiing my time playin wow!?
oh well. so i continued playing. why care right? this is all going to happen any way, so why try to fight it? or even thinjk about it?
my friends are stressing ou about not being able to see eachother next year, but i;m just sitting there at the crowed lunch tabel eating my tuna. i'll miss them, but this whole pre- mouring thing is just over my head i guess.
oh lunch tables:
you're gonna love this: ok so there's this gir at my table whos is such a BEEEEEEP if you know what i mean, and she stole one of my best freinds lunch and hid it near this bridge we hang out on before school. well, she didnt tell my friend and my friend never got her lunch back, asind from a plasic bag and an open bag of chips. now this girl is aways doing stuff like this and my and my group are just sick and tired of it so we leaft.
never to return.
it was wonderful.
so back to graduation:
ugh, so many things comming up, grad night at some insufferable theme park, semi formal(kill me now- dancing and people and loud music while you're dressed in a hidious thing that has lace and ruffle and*throus up* in the same room at the same tine!!! ahhhh!!) and then the ceremony its self, which i hear is going to be kinda short this year because there are somany stupid people that like only 250 of us are graduating. now if thats not sad, i dont know what is.
semi for mal is a dance, so i need some one to go with, right? so i'm all getting ready to ask him, and i finnaly work up the coredge and you now what!? he' not going! becaue he's one of the idiots who's not graduating.
which is really disapointing, and not just for me, but that he's really smart, just an idiot when it somes to work.
reminds me of me.
and i need to find some one before semi formal, because all my friends promised eachother that we'd all find some one to go with. i'm so desparate and scotially inept that i actually googled a guild to flirting. i'm discusted with my self.
it had some good tips tho. lol, my life is to superficial.
even if i do get some one to go with i'm not going to be happy. i'm rarely happy, but i know for certain the it we were to go that i would, at least for a short time. oh well i've got till june.
ok, my milfe in the past.... 2 1/2 moths is sumed up in the nifty little acrmyn:
WoW
as in World of Warcraft.
and the sad thing is that i'm only a 31. which in the sceam of things is kinda low, but i'm happy in my mediocraty so leave my and my stupid little bubble alone and dont pop it, k?
so in these three months i've been living happily on wow, and doing absolutely notherin eles and then it hits me:
i'm gonna be graduating soon. this is the year of endings. next year nothing, ABSOLUTLY NOTHING i now know will have any connection with me.
i'm graduating, my gs troop is breaking up, i will problably looss my best friends. my sis is going to colledge. and i'm mwaistiing my time playin wow!?
oh well. so i continued playing. why care right? this is all going to happen any way, so why try to fight it? or even thinjk about it?
my friends are stressing ou about not being able to see eachother next year, but i;m just sitting there at the crowed lunch tabel eating my tuna. i'll miss them, but this whole pre- mouring thing is just over my head i guess.
oh lunch tables:
you're gonna love this: ok so there's this gir at my table whos is such a BEEEEEEP if you know what i mean, and she stole one of my best freinds lunch and hid it near this bridge we hang out on before school. well, she didnt tell my friend and my friend never got her lunch back, asind from a plasic bag and an open bag of chips. now this girl is aways doing stuff like this and my and my group are just sick and tired of it so we leaft.
never to return.
it was wonderful.
so back to graduation:
ugh, so many things comming up, grad night at some insufferable theme park, semi formal(kill me now- dancing and people and loud music while you're dressed in a hidious thing that has lace and ruffle and*throus up* in the same room at the same tine!!! ahhhh!!) and then the ceremony its self, which i hear is going to be kinda short this year because there are somany stupid people that like only 250 of us are graduating. now if thats not sad, i dont know what is.
semi for mal is a dance, so i need some one to go with, right? so i'm all getting ready to ask him, and i finnaly work up the coredge and you now what!? he' not going! becaue he's one of the idiots who's not graduating.
which is really disapointing, and not just for me, but that he's really smart, just an idiot when it somes to work.
reminds me of me.
and i need to find some one before semi formal, because all my friends promised eachother that we'd all find some one to go with. i'm so desparate and scotially inept that i actually googled a guild to flirting. i'm discusted with my self.
it had some good tips tho. lol, my life is to superficial.
even if i do get some one to go with i'm not going to be happy. i'm rarely happy, but i know for certain the it we were to go that i would, at least for a short time. oh well i've got till june.
2.14.2008
regurgitated valentines hearts
well, it that time of year again....<3
HA.
i
hate
this
holiday
!
!
but i felt obigated to post something, sonsidering that i've not said any thing for a while. ugh- i really ought to be doing my home work right now, but thats like taking an icepick and shovinging it into my eye over and over and over and over and you get the picture.
espetially my weekly vocabulary thing.
i'm in 8th grade and we're "learning" words like:
ardent
assail
assent
barter
bonanza
contagious
contemplate
deter
flair
forfeit
innovation
mania
stymie
synonymous
wrangle
and the realy sad thing is that alot of kids in my grade dont know any of these words. now thats just sad....
HA.
i
hate
this
holiday
!
!
but i felt obigated to post something, sonsidering that i've not said any thing for a while. ugh- i really ought to be doing my home work right now, but thats like taking an icepick and shovinging it into my eye over and over and over and over and you get the picture.
espetially my weekly vocabulary thing.
i'm in 8th grade and we're "learning" words like:
ardent
assail
assent
barter
bonanza
contagious
contemplate
deter
flair
forfeit
innovation
mania
stymie
synonymous
wrangle
and the realy sad thing is that alot of kids in my grade dont know any of these words. now thats just sad....
2.06.2008
the cat.
cats, dogs, all those good things.
we've got a stay, possibly ferral cat in my naborhood, and i have just made it me personal misson to get it adopted or(if it is ferrel) TNR it. TNR- i just learned that frase, rifleing throught the many web sites, it means trap, nuter, and release. they let ferrel cats go because they've never been socialized with humans. i'm putting up a list of links along with this post to a bunch of stray and ferrel cat web sites, so please take a look.
we've got a stay, possibly ferral cat in my naborhood, and i have just made it me personal misson to get it adopted or(if it is ferrel) TNR it. TNR- i just learned that frase, rifleing throught the many web sites, it means trap, nuter, and release. they let ferrel cats go because they've never been socialized with humans. i'm putting up a list of links along with this post to a bunch of stray and ferrel cat web sites, so please take a look.
2.05.2008
the dog.
i must tell you that i am not playing world of warcraft(my latest obsession) there fore .... i'm irritated.
right, so i've found this dog and i've fallen in love with him, so i just thought i ought to post about it. he's a boarder collie and the most beautiful dog in the world. his coat is silky and black and he's got breathtaking brown eyes that have the uncanny ability to hold you where you stand.
.... and he belongs to the people in the house behind me.
i'ts terrible. he's got a yard and all that, but i've never seen any one playing wtih him and he seems so lonly.
it's great, though. i pass his house on the way home when i walk and when ever he sees me he'll bound up to the fence panting and sm,iling a huge smile, and bounceing. what i do is i'll race hime to the turn in the fence, i must look redicululus,; this crazy girl running ocwardly up hill, lugging a huge bag and often a too thick jacket trailing behind, racing this yongue collie- the perfect example of the breeds best, the two separated by a fence but nothing else.
we always stop before the turn though, and i'll give him some pats and rubs, and then i go, and he'll just sit there, watching me go.
i know this is selfish, but i think that dog ought to be mine. just the way he looks at me, i dont know, but it's sorta like he is, but i dont' even know his name. oh wel...
right, so i've found this dog and i've fallen in love with him, so i just thought i ought to post about it. he's a boarder collie and the most beautiful dog in the world. his coat is silky and black and he's got breathtaking brown eyes that have the uncanny ability to hold you where you stand.
.... and he belongs to the people in the house behind me.
i'ts terrible. he's got a yard and all that, but i've never seen any one playing wtih him and he seems so lonly.
it's great, though. i pass his house on the way home when i walk and when ever he sees me he'll bound up to the fence panting and sm,iling a huge smile, and bounceing. what i do is i'll race hime to the turn in the fence, i must look redicululus,; this crazy girl running ocwardly up hill, lugging a huge bag and often a too thick jacket trailing behind, racing this yongue collie- the perfect example of the breeds best, the two separated by a fence but nothing else.
we always stop before the turn though, and i'll give him some pats and rubs, and then i go, and he'll just sit there, watching me go.
i know this is selfish, but i think that dog ought to be mine. just the way he looks at me, i dont know, but it's sorta like he is, but i dont' even know his name. oh wel...
1.23.2008
spech
ok, i'm in spech club, right? ...well mabe you didn't knwo that but i am so there. and my spech coacht wants us all to make a spech for a contest, memorize and what not. the prompt for it is "why me why not" and while i can many different way to interpret that, the only one he can see is "find what suck abuot your life, complane about it then find some inspiring inner resolve and over come this hard ship in your life." and write a spech about it.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
you idiots might not realize this but our life is great. the fact that you are alive is great. GREAT. if you are reading this that means that you are near a computer, and the fact that you have SEEN one, much less used it makes you incredibly lucky. so you know what!? i'm not going to write and inspiring sech about how sucky my life is because i know how bad it could be. how every thing can change in a SECOND and what sucked about your life a minute ago now seems like so increadibly trivial and microscopic.
remember the little boy whos parents both died that i wrote about a couiple posts ago. think about his life. think about his damaged world, then think about what you were complaning about a second ago. getting your x box taken away for a week becasue of some thing STUPID that you did still seem so horrible!?
i'm done here.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
you idiots might not realize this but our life is great. the fact that you are alive is great. GREAT. if you are reading this that means that you are near a computer, and the fact that you have SEEN one, much less used it makes you incredibly lucky. so you know what!? i'm not going to write and inspiring sech about how sucky my life is because i know how bad it could be. how every thing can change in a SECOND and what sucked about your life a minute ago now seems like so increadibly trivial and microscopic.
remember the little boy whos parents both died that i wrote about a couiple posts ago. think about his life. think about his damaged world, then think about what you were complaning about a second ago. getting your x box taken away for a week becasue of some thing STUPID that you did still seem so horrible!?
i'm done here.
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