back to the old soap opera again.

chapter two of my chiched life:
girls has no life so she goes onto internet and meets the most amazing guy in the world nad falls as in love with him as she has ever been with any one. tells mother. stops going on the computer because mother doesn't approve. good. goes to school. is over internet guy. good. sees other guys. decided to like them. still over internet guy. actually has a chance with someone tangible for once in her life and unintentionally sabotshes it for herself.

falling for ski was just a way for my to deal with my sister leaving hte house and me growing farther from my friends. it wa a selfish, thoughtless thing. it was wrong. i know this. i will never talk to him again by MY OWN CHOICE. my family and my mothers opinion of my as well as my sefty are way more important than some hting with a guy i dont even know. i know all these things yet when ever our old song comes up on my ipod i change it quickly because it hurts to hear it. i wont let meself fall compeetly for soem one eles because a small part of me wants ski still and it is SO hard for me to accept this becasue it shatteres my selfdelusions. then a gain, is this even about him?
i have always lived with this pain of being around him. and now he and the pain are gone.... and theres this hole where that constant hurt should be. who am i with out it? i suppose this is my own brand of cutting my self. some people prefer to cause physical plain but me, no i'm much cleaner about it. i just revel in my own mental anguish, over thinking everything untill the way i scratch my foot means i'm emo. ok wow, that hardly made sence to me. i only half heartedly wanted to not love him and i put up with the pain of it, and it because apart of me. but with all my heart i want to not want ski, i know that nothing good can come from him, but ican't turn it off.
or is all this rambling some rationalization for soem bigger problem i cant even put a name to? that wouldn't suprize me.
wow, i'm messed up.
ok, no more posts after 10 pm. things seem depressing here.
on a lighter note, obama won the election (i hear that us blogers *snear* are supposed to wrtie about politicks and such to here you go, 2 1/2 stalkers) great.
obamas a thug and a crook and in 4 years you just wait, i'll be posting saying ha! thats what you get america for voteing into ofice a product of the chicago political machine. ha i'm going to bed now.
i dont love him, i dont love ski.
i like jewish guy. just keep repeating that to my self.
i going to be a nun.