alreight, enuf.

this is a warning. i'm sick and tired to talking to m self so unless some one posts a commend i'm quitting, k?

sny way..... i'm learning to mow the lawn.
in my family mowi g the lawn is like a right of passage, like a whooooo you're growing up thing. well, i hate it. its hot noisy nd hard. grrrrrrrrrrr. and my dad came out
with a lawn chair
and stared lafing at my while i wored and he sat in the shad.
kiilll mmmmeeeeee.

i hate reality.

hornestly there's nothing good about it. i'm really happy to just live in my own little dream world and just so "blechth" to any thing and every thing else.
and i do.... mostly, but every once in a while i'll be drawn out in the thick green hazy grotesque light of the real world, and, like a vampire in light i burn(depenting on what books you read of corse, be assure i do not get sparkly). books catch me off guard, and wrom little remnances of the real world into my mind before i can stop them. the Chololate war for example.
(dont read it!) and now this book that i've been really enjoying has suddenly taken a turn for the worse and joined the dark side- bringing a sick and perverted side to a character that i really enjoyed.
the character is on a quest to find his friend. in what i just read it was revield that this mans freid, who was also a man, was more than a freind. to be hornest i could careless who you like in comparison to your gender, but learning this about this character made me squirm. i felt betrayed. and dirty.
and again my books tie into my life.
he admitted that he's bi in confidence to my friend, who ofcoarse told me. there's always been the suspition that he was, but now, to have it just thorown up in my face..... i dont know what i should... feel. my mind and body are once again pulled apart. one still feels the thrill of joy when i remember that he complimented my shirt to day, and then the other reminds my what he is. i dont know if the SHOULD bothre me. i dont know what to feel. help/

kis it and make it better?

/gag
/gag
ok, toay i was chewing.... and laughing(/gasp! me .... laughing!? i know, i'm shocked too.) and let me just say that that is a very bad combo.
so in my rare chewing and laughing fit my jaw comes down wrong... and hard. well this misplaced jaw procedes to chip my tooth and beleave me, if a mouth cuold doble up in pain, my would have. so ofcouse arfter suffering this awful injury, i do the one thing that might could make me feel better. i go see him. and i drag claire along becasue i dont trust my self not to breack down and portray any emotion around him with out a shaparone. so we go over for our dayly hug. she gets her's i get mine. and as she steps back to that i can have a hug and i feel his arm rap gently around the small of my back, pulling my close, and smell him, and i'm silently and secretly reveling in his presence, joyful, yes JOYFUL at his ginger and tenative touch, i hear claires voice breack though my perfect and fleeting world and say, "hey _____(not gonna say his name)! guess what? ivy hurt her mouth, why dont you kiss it and make it better?"
i coult have died. i could feel her eyes on me(i've talked about her, right?- the girl thats constantly all voer him and hate me?) and just the hate and.... pity and i'm so pathetic as i flush a red that would put a fir truck to shame, and just the discust in her eyes, and the way he looks from clair to me an laughs. "can we go?" i beg then another friend of mine pipes up," you dont you do it claire?" and they start a LOUD conversation about who should make out with me to make my tooth feel better. and they're both girls. gawh. i want to die.
On the ground I layMotionless in painI can see my life flashing before my eyesDid I fall asleepIs this all a dreamWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die) I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingOn this bed I layLosing everythingI can see my life passing me byWas it all too muchOr just not enoughWake me up, I'm living a nightmareI will not die (I will not die)I will surviveI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI feel alive, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dyingI will not die, I'll wait here for youI will not die, when your beside meI will not die, I'll wait here for youIn my time of dying